Too Good To Be Left On The SASS Wire...

jeweler jim

I like the last one best...<br />
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. <br />
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So, I took her to a gas station.<br />
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And then the fight started.... <br />
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**** <br />
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were inbed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" <br />
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"No," she answered.<br />
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I then said, "Is that your final answer?"<br />
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She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."<br />
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So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." <br />
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And then the fight started....<br />
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******** <br />
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. <br />
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The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.<br />
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I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.<br />
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She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.' And she processed my Social Security application. <br />
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When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.<br />
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She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.' <br />
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And then the fight started..... <br />
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**** <br />
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. <br />
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I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. <br />
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I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' <br />
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My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' <br />
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And then the fight started ...<br />
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**** <br />
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.<br />
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My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'<br />
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Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'<br />
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'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' <br />
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And then the fight started..... <br />
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**** <br />
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I rear-ended a car this morning.<br />
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So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. I couldn't believe it.... He was a Dwarf! <br />
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He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' <br />
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So, I looked down at him and said, 'Okay, then which one are you?' <br />
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And then the fight started..... <br />
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**** <br />
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.<br />
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'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'<br />
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He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' <br />
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'Nah, she can order for herself.'<br />
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And then the fight started.....<br />
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**** <br />
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a <br />
compliment.' <br />
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The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'<br />
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And then the fight started.....